Self-hate is a deadly habit. And like all
habits, it’s hard to break. I know--I’ve been trying since at least junior high.
From what I’ve observed, self-hatred assaults
introverts more than extroverts. We’re the ones who “live inside our
heads” more, and yes, familiarity breeds contempt. We know humanity as a
whole is in a bad way, but we’re the specimen we observe the most.
But it’s more than that.
There’s a certain frame of mind, an expectation
of perfection. We know the ideal self we want to be and hate when we
don’t measure up to our standards. We find our self-worth in our
accomplishments and the praise of others. We’re extra sensitive to
criticism and embarrassment, less able to cope with the fact that we’re
fallible and that our products don’t always match the picture in our minds.
But it’s not just the “incident of the week”
that causes grief. I’ve had a lot of years to collect memories that still
mortify me to this day, even incidents from elementary school that most people
would look back on with a chuckle and a shake of their heads, saying, “I was just
a crazy kid, then. Oh, well.” My response is to call myself names and
look for the nearest surface on which to bang my head.
Recollections of errors and humiliations from
yesterday, last month, or ten years ago invariably come to mind multiple times
a day, triggered by innocuous sights and keywords. Sometimes I wasn’t
even at fault, but someone said or did something hurtful, and it stuck with me
like a burr on a sock that pokes my ankle when I step just wrong. This
translates into a lot of self-directed anger--sometimes quickly snuffed by
reason or productive activity, but sometimes lowering me for much longer and
encouraging a retreat into unproductive escapism to get away from myself.
Funny thing is, we critical types often defend
this tendency to be overly critical. We think (that is, hope) that it
spurs us to improve, become better people. But it doesn’t always.
Sometimes we get so sick of trying and failing to do right that we give
up--for a time or forever--and hate ourselves even more for it.
I’ve had several people tell me over the years,
as if it would remedy everything, that all I needed was a thicker skin.
First off, that’s another insult to a sensitive mind--one more way in
which I can castigate myself for being deficient. Second, that gives a
person no constructive way to go about getting a thicker skin.
I can imagine how it’d work, based on the
metaphor: A callus is built when a patch of skin gets roughed up over and over.
So it sounds like people are telling me I should suffer more so I suffer
less with each insult. Really? The amount of insults I give myself,
you’d think I’d be as thick-skinned as a dragon by now, and just about as
friendly. Thankfully, I don’t think I’m the unfriendly, but though the wisdom of age has thickened my skin more than it was, I still can't be called "thick-skinned." A similar metaphor is “Let it go, like water off a duck’s
back.” That one’s a little more constructive, but how can I grow a
metaphorical feather barrier? Water is a bit adhesive to skin, you know--and unlike negativity, water evaporates with relative speed.
I have found four techniques that help to decrease my self-hate:
- Keep a wide perspective of the problem. What’s the whole situation, exactly? What may have motivated the other person (or yourself) to say what was said? Who’s affected, and how much will this problem really affect people’s lives a year or ten years from now? (Avoid the slippery slope fallacy!) If needed, can you fix it or make restitution? Can you learn from it? If nothing can be or needs to be done, clear your mind, take a breath, and think about something else.
- Stop looking inward so much. Escapism into fiction or puzzles may help a little. Taking care of pets can help a little more. But better yet, turn your gaze on other people. Socialize, volunteer, or do things that help other people. Consider their needs, their problems, instead of fixating on your own. Helping others, aside from just being the neighborly thing to do, will also help you feel better about yourself.
- Surround yourself with people who support and affirm you. Demand hugs when needed instead of self-medicating with chocolate, which produces calorie guilt.
- Most importantly, give yourself grace. Forgive yourself; stop judging yourself for what you’ve done or failed to do, and start looking at who you are--or to put it another way, whose you are. Define your worth by God’s love for you. When you forget to do that, when the baggage of your past clings and makes it hard to walk forward, then stop, ask God to take your baggage, and re-center your life on your relationship with Him.
