On Coffee

"The coffee tasted like mud 

because it was ground a couple of minutes ago."

          I have long been of the opinion that coffee is an abominable plant and makes an repugnant drink--foul of taste and smell.  Even so, for decades it has somehow deceived people with its addictive and stimulatory qualities into thinking it’s delicious.  *shudder*  I’ve had to bear its stench through my childhood with a coffee-drinking mother, and must unfortunately continue to bear it through my adult life with my coffee-loving husband.  Over the years, more than one person has persuaded me to attempt a taste of this bitter beverage, and only once--with sugar and cream and Andes mints stirred in--and only for a brief moment before it spilled all over my white shirt--has it ever tasted anything but disgusting.  I can even detect that subtle taste ruining breakfast cake, ice cream, toffee and--worst of all atrocities, chocolate!  Surely we can find better uses for such a despicable plant; let it be used for anything other than consumption!
          Though coffee’s repugnant smell differs from the offensive odors of household cleaners and insect repellents, constant use has enabled us to bear the unpleasantness in the pursuit of cleanliness.  Therefore, why not relegate coffee to that realm, away from sensible palates?  It’s quite capable of fulfilling such a role; a handful of wet grounds can act as a nontoxic abrasive cleaner for pots, pans, non-porcelain sinks, non-porous dishware, grills and griddles.  It can even reduce the sooty mess while cleaning wood stoves and fireplaces.  Additionally, many creatures dislike the strong smell of coffee just as much as I do: a sprinkling of dried grounds around the house will keep ants away and will even kill them when sprinkled on their hills.  Spraying plants or dirt with a coffee solution will also deter most bugs, slugs, dogs, and cats, and if a pet will tolerate it rubbed into their fur, it’ll repel fleas.  Of course, the coffee must be reapplied after a rain or a bath.  

Aside from its household uses, coffee grounds contain nitrogen, calcium, magnesium, potassium, and other trace minerals, so they serve well in compost and as a non-toxic, fully-degradable fertilizer for most plants.  Mushrooms, roses, and azaleas, for instance, love the additional acid, but not tomatoes!  I’ll concede that coffee grounds smell at least marginally better than manure and may be less expensive than non-smelly fertilizers.  Furthermore, worms, which aerate gardens and compost, love coffee, too, and will reproduce faster with it.  A mixture of grounds and soil will also keep fishing bait alive longer and hide our human odor from fish.  (Though why they don’t flee from the horrid scent, I don’t know.  Maybe they don’t recognize it or they mistake it for decomposing matter, which I understand some breeds find tasty.)

Apparently coffee also has uses in various beauty treatments, but I can’t recommend them; what person with fully operational olfactory senses could bear that smell during the treatment, much less lingering about their body all day?  The same goes for its uses as a deodorizer in rooms, cars, refrigerators, and freezers--as well as on hands to remove food prep odors.  (Well, I confess it’s a toss up whether I’d prefer to smell like onions or coffee.)  It has one aesthetic use I find tolerable: a strong coffee solution can dye paper, fabrics, Easter eggs, and other porous materials, and a paste of it can re-dye scratches in dark wood furniture.  I might also be able to tolerate using the grounds wrapped in fabric as a pincushion--if only because the grounds will prevent the needles from rusting.
With so many uses for the coffee plant, coffee aficionados need not worry about troubling the industry and its minimal-wage employees by ceasing to drink the beverage.  Of course, to prevent strong withdrawal symptoms, such as caffeine headaches, cravings, and increased drowsiness, readers would do well to wean themselves off this addictive substance slowly.  After some years, when their noses and taste buds have had a chance to regenerate some, I’m sure they’ll wonder what ever attracted them to the substance in the first place and congratulate themselves on their escape from coffee’s deceptive clutches.

 

Read this greatly diverting segment of Girl Genius at girlgeniusonline.com.