On the Custom of Holding Doors

Though society has no law or moral requirement regarding holding doors open for others, somewhere along the line it’s become a curious custom in our part of the world--a courtesy which men originally performed for women but which anyone might now perform for succeeding persons.  (Naturally, this applies to hinged doors--particularly ones that swing closed automatically--rather than to hanging, sliding, or revolving doors.)  People who practice door holding rarely reflect on why or how we do it, yet like other customs or traditions, whether a “thank you” after being helped or exchanging presents at Christmas, someone who breaks the custom risks annoying other persons.  However, unless done with the purpose of giving offense, an omission of this custom is hardly sufficient reason to break peace between persons, nor is it a moral misdeed in the category of stealing or even calling someone a rude name.  However, it’s still such an ingrained part of our culture that a person who wishes to be courteous ought to learn and comply with the custom.

I can only wonder about when or where men first began holding doors for ladies.  The underlying motive for all rules of etiquette is selfless consideration for others, so I imagine that at first, men--likely in a patriarchal European society--performed the act as a natural and occasional courtesy toward women, which over time became generally perceived--and then ingrained--in our culture as good manners.  It may even have been codified in tomes on etiquette, possibly in Europe during the 17- or 1800s (or so I would guess using my knowledge of history--which admittedly isn’t as extensive as I might wish).  Perhaps someone else can tell me if my guess is correct or if this custom had (or has) parallels in non-European-based cultures.

Whenever and wherever it began, gentlemen (whom I name thus for their genteel actions rather than landownership) certainly continued to hold doors for women into the mid-1900s.  Considering the weight of some of those old-style doors, I’m sure many women appreciated this act of consideration.  It may well have made them feel pampered and appreciated.  However, this perspective began to change during the feminist (or femi-nazi) movement in the ‘60s and ‘70s when some women decided the gesture implied their arms were weak or that they were subordinate to the male holding the door.  Even today, a few women get offended when a man holds a door for her as if she were incapable of doing it herself.  I believe such overly defensive women are rare, but perhaps due to the influence of such thoughts, many men no longer see a particular need to hold doors for women.  The custom itself persists, but today’s door holders are more often the first person of either gender to reach the door.  

I can’t recall ever hearing a thorough explanation of the etiquette of modern door holding; parents or other role models comment on it now and again, but one must generally pick up the nuances through observation and trial-and-error: One learns to calculate the speed of an approaching person to determine whether one should wait with the door open, or continue walking and let it close.  One must similarly decide whether, in a mass of humanity entering, exiting, or both, one should step aside and hold the door for everyone or simply support the door long enough for the nearest person to hold it as he or she passes through.  “Thanks” may be a sign one’s gotten it right; “excuse me” or “sorry to make you wait” may be a sign one needs to refine one’s actions.

I have here compiled twenty “rules” I’ve observed--some common-sensical and some requiring a little more thought.  Readers, share your own “rules” in the comments if you think I’ve missed or erred with one:

When to hold a door, and for whom:

1. One should always give preference to a person less mobile than oneself or whose hands are occupied--whether by a child, objects, crutches, a wheelchair, etc.--since that person would find grasping the door or pressing an automatic-open button awkward or inconvenient.  If one is in a position to hold the door for such a person, even if one does not intend to pass through it oneself, one should do so--and if passing through oneself, one should not balk at speeding up or even around the person, or at waiting longer than usual by the door to be sure of giving aid.
   
   

2. If neither party is particularly encumbered, and assuming a second person is relatively near, etiquette suggests that men hold doors for women and that younger persons hold doors for older persons--each with the motive of showing respect, and each more important in formal settings than in informal. 

3. When the inner space is smaller or more full of people, such as in a subway or restroom, the person on the outside should always hold the door for the one on the inside--or at least politely stand aside--to allow the one inside to exit before the one outside enters.

4. These considerations being moot, the first person to reach a door should hold it for the next person or persons.

5. If a door would have time to fall and remain completely closed for a second or more before the other person arrives at it, one may let it fall and walk on without giving offense or particular inconvenience.  Persisting to hold the door while the other person is at such a distance may distress the individual one intends to help, for it makes that person self-conscious of his or her own speed and aware of inconveniencing the door holder.

How to hold a door:

6. Unless an awkward situation requires it, one should avoid holding a door so that others must pass under one’s armpit.

7. One who opens a door by pulling and holds the door for persons going either direction ought to stand behind the door, or if that’s not possible, beside its open edge so the passage remains clear.  

8. One who opens a door by pushing may hold the door for someone following by taking a step or two inside and supporting the door from a position “in the way” until the follower can stretch a hand out and take the door’s weight, at which point both may move forward.  Note that this method would not suit a formal setting.

9. One who opens a door by pushing and is obliged to hold it--for a large party following, for an oncoming person by dint of arriving first, for someone with no free hands to perform the office, or for someone in a formal setting--should walk through and turn to stand behind or beside the door.  This way, others passing through need not support the door, themselves, nor be forced to awkwardly squeeze by the door holder’s body.

10. If persons on opposite sides of a transparent door see each other approach at the same time, and if one is a man and the other a woman, traditionally the woman will slow or pause and let the man reach the door first to hold it for her.  My own logic, however, suggests that since the person on the “pull” side of the door can hold it most conveniently for both individuals, this person had best do the honors regardless of gender.

11. When one notices a person holding a door for a large flux of individuals without finding an appropriate time to let go, one should offer to take over for a while so that person may also pass through or continue on his or her way. 

12. Even when a door is held for one individual, anyone--but particularly a man for a woman--may politely offer to take the position of a current door-holder with words such as, “Here, let me get that for you,” “Allow me,” “Ladies first,” or “Please, after you.” 

13. One offering to hold a door for a current door holder may only reach out to perform the office while speaking if reasonably sure the offer will be accepted; if unsure of the offer’s reception, one had better wait until receiving an acceptance so as to avoid seeming offensively forward or forceful.  Either way, one should take the door without touching the current door holder, obstructing his or her way, or subjecting him or her to close quarters with one’s armpit.  If, instead, the offer is refused, one may say something like, “I don’t mind”--once--but if refused a second time, one should acquiesce and keep the peace.
    
    

How to respond to door-holding:

14. The one benefiting from the clear passage ought always to thank the door holder--or at least acknowledge the person’s consideration with a smile and possibly a nod.  
    
    

15. One ought never to consider someone’s offer to hold a door rude when made in a gallant manner--whether the one offering would replace a man, woman, or child, or whether he would replace an able or less able person.  He intends to be considerate, which deserves thanks rather than censure.  However, one may acceptably refuse with words such as, “Thanks, but I’m fine” or “No, please--after you.”

16. If an elderly or less agile passerby takes offense at one’s attempt to hold a door for him or her, one should give a simple apology rather than argue or grovel.

17. In essence, it’s impolite to fuss about who holds the door, to make a showy scene of being polite, or to get in the way of others.

How to respond after a door-related error:

18. If passersby fail to acknowledged a door holder’s service, or if someone fails to apologize for a door-related error, one should maintain social harmony by ignoring the rudeness or omission rather than offering correction; only the relation of a child, student, or close friend entitles one to give the other a kindly phrased rebuke for such a relatively minor discourtesy.  Similarly, the recipient of a door-related error should accept a sincere apology immediately.

19. One customarily offers a brief apology after realizing one let a door begin to close upon an unnoticed person who follows closely behind; it’s quite unpleasant for that second person to nearly walk into the edge of a door he expected to remain open, or to have said door close in his face (which, culturally, implies rejection or intentional disrespect). 

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20. One customarily excuses oneself or apologizes upon surprising someone formerly hidden on the other side of a door one has just opened.  An apology is especially necessary if that door knocked into the other person.

The golden rule for door holding and other acts of etiquette--“Do what least inconveniences others.”